Anger is an instinctual response triggered by a real or imagined threat.
Most men and some women feel angry when someone or something obstructs them in some way. Anger is painful so we try and feel relief from the feeling it brings.
We all experience anger to varying degrees, some more than others and some can control it better than others.
If your anger is out of control it’s an issue which needs to be addressed, finding a more productive way to express it should be sought. Suppressing anger isn’t beneficial and shouldn’t be considered, it is another emotion like any other, resentment is unexpressed anger. When you discover the purpose that anger serves in your life you’ll be able to recognise the triggers and how best to manage it more constructively.
Men are more likely to mis read social cues, act impulsively, misinterpret others’ emotions, and engage in risky behaviour. Men are more likely to act before they think.
Tough Guy Image
Tough guys look strong, but really its over compensation for feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.
Emotions and feelings are often seen as feminine and open displays of affection are generally frowned
upon. They also suffer from an inability to enjoy a deep and loving supportive relationship. Men who subscribe to this notion confuse the following:
- Cooperation and submission Isolation and independence
- Mistakes and weaknesses Interdependence and dependence
- Machismo and strength Irresponsibility and freedom
- Conceit and confidence Self-indulgence and happiness
For many these traits are carryovers from their youth. Some find more productive ways to define themselves, others still haven’t managed to move past expressing themselves in the old ways of their youth, threats and intimidation.
Women’s brains are programmed for social harmony whereas men’s brains are programmed for social hierarchy, largely backed by competition and dominance.
Anger can also be expressed by sulking or having a certain tone in your voice, people know that you’re angry but don’t know why. When you become better at recognising what you’re feeling, you’ll be better able to express yourself more constructively. This type of behaviour is considered passive aggressive.
Five Reasons Anger Occurs
Seeking revenge, feeling hurt, you want to get even and make things fair
Preventing disaster, you feel helpless, so you want to take control
Pushing others away, you feel discouraged, so you want to withdraw from life and avoid being judged
Getting attention, you feel disrespected so you lash out to be acknowledged or to prove your importance
Expressing difficult feelings, you’re overwhelmed, so you want to reduce the discomfort.
Four Keys to Managing Anger
Managing your anger means not saying or doing things you’ll later regret.It means calming yourself, assessing the situation with a cooler head, being in place or responding rather than reacting.
- Expressing yourself
- Taking care of yourself
- Building your tolerance for frustration
- Showing gratitude and appreciation
When you express yourself you promote constructive communication. Making sure the message you send is the one you want them to receive, and the message they send is the one you receive.
Use the LOVE acronym. Listen Observe Verbalise Empathise. Guys’ offer solutions, it’s what we d. We try with the best of intentions to solve problems. During the process we totally miss what’s been conveyed regarding others feelings and emotions. Basically, we’re saying your feelings and emotions aren’t important to me. The same goes the other way. If you’re not being heard because you can’t communicate what you’re feeling, you’ll get frustrated and angry because you’re not being understood. Listening to words and feelings means you’re listening empathically.
Taking care of yourself
Taking care of yourself is taking charge of your own happiness. How can you truly care for others if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Building up your tolerance for frustration
When you build up your tolerance for frustration, forgiveness will become far easier. The weight of not forgiving can become far heavier than the weight of forgiving. Forgiving doesn’t mean you condone or are willing to forget, you can still hold them accountable, forgiving is for you, no one else!
Being able to forgive will bring you peace and calm, not forgiving and repressing what you’re feeling causes resentment and contempt. Repressed anger is borne from resentment.
Showing gratitude and appreciation
Journaling is an important part of this practise, it’s a useful tool for writing down and expressing what you’re feeling, and also for processing your thoughts. Self reflection is an important tool to recognising how often these thoughts and feelings occur and when they arose, and more to the point, what you did about them or how you acted/reacted.
Showing gratitude and appreciation is a powerful way to manage the heightened state of arousal we find ourselves in when angry.
To learn how to manage anger more constructively and start working on ways make it less of an issue, contact me now to start making difference.